A Smurf Fan Apologizes

I owe people an apology.

It's not a son I owe, for not wanting to play Go Fish, although I probably owe for that too.

I couldn't even begin to tell you how many people I owe.

It's not to my wife for throwing my dirty boxers in the bathroom floor instead of the hamper.

I've owed the apology for years.

It's not to an ex-girlfriend for correcting and grading her Dear John letter and mailing it back to her. (I'm pretty sure I should be sorry for that as well.)

But how could I apologize when I didn't know I was wrong?

The answer I always sought seemed obvious. It was the answer I had.

I'm sorry.

I guess I should explain. For years I approached people (and still do) with a barrage of questions, and made them feel like fools when they were wrong. Smurfette's tail was made from a pea. The Smurf made out of wood was Clockwork. Where I went wrong was with the Smurf that did all the cooking. Like clockwork, (not the Smurf,) the answers that always came out were "Cookie" or "Baker". No, you imbecile, it was Greedy. Greedy Smurf. Show some sense. Well, last night I'm at my parents' house eating dinner. One of the kids is sitting there with this retro Pizza Hut Smurf glass. I look at it, and recognize the Smurf hat shaped like a chef's. However, I don't recognize the name on it. It says "Baker Smurf" at the bottom. After getting a sudden sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach, I excuse myself, round up the family, and rush home to fire up the computer. Within moments, I know the truth. Not the truth I had been spreading for years in the form of a lie, but the real truth.

You see, I was a religious Smurf viewer for years. They came on KBSI at 3:00, right after I got home from school. Let me rephrase that. I was a religious Smurfs series viewer. Greedy Smurf, who did all the cooking on the series, was also in the original Smurfs movie. However, he didn't do all the cooking. In fact, he didn't cook at all. He just stole all the goodies made by Baker Smurf. Hence, he was greedy. Later, for the purpose of the television series, these two Smurfs were combined into one Smurf, named Greedy Smurf.

So for all of you who answered "Baker Smurf", for all those years, you were right. I was wrong.

For that, I'm deeply sorry. That wasn't very Smurfy of me.